Socially Speaking

Many times in our grief journey the emotional, spiritual, and physical aspects of our grief over-ride the social side of our grief. After the death of a loved one it takes some time for us to even consider being social again. Our circle of friends, neighbors, church members, co-workers has changed. Sometimes it is very difficult to imagine going out to dinner, church, theatre, sporting events or anything else. We can be afraid of crying in public, feel like the “fifth wheel” if we accept a dinner invitation with other couples, or we just don’t have the energy to accept invitations and get ourselves ready; even going to places that you and your loved one use to go can be overwhelming and bring lots of sadness. Sometimes going back to church can be very painful when we hear our loved one’s favorite hymns or sitting where as a family you always sat in the same space. There are many reasons that these relationships may change.

Others can also be uncomfortable around us; not knowing what to say; worrying that they will say the wrong thing or make you cry. They may be afraid to mention the deceased name or share their memories about good times they use to have before the death.

To handle these changes you must become acquainted with how you feel; know that these feelings of loneliness and being afraid to be social are all a part of your grief journey. Other social difficulties might be experienced also; they are: restlessness or inability to sit still, lack of concentration and organization, lack of ability to initiate activities, and loss of self-confidence. You must know what your needs are, what invitations do you want to accept, can you return to the places that you use to go with your love one and be able to cope with the memories.

Some self –care suggestions: decide what you WANT to do and what you CAN do; be honest with yourself. Be     careful you do not find yourself in a meaningless social whirl just to keep busy, afraid to feel the emotions that are a part of your grief journey. If you want to accept an invitation to be with family and friends help them feel comfortable with your mourning by telling them that “it’s OK to talk about my loved one; and I would love for you to say his/her name. I enjoy hearing it and would like to talk about your memories of them”. Also, find a dependable support person that you can talk to. Someone who is non-judgmental, one that won’t tell you what you are doing right or wrong and a person who will listen, listen and listen some more so that you can share your feelings and emotions when you need to.

There are also other sources of support that you might consider: a bereavement support group can introduce you to others who have had the death of a loved one and they are mourning also. By sharing your story and grief experiences not only offers support but might help you establish new friendships. Church groups, civic organizations, social clubs can offer additional chances to spend time meeting new people that might have a similar situation and through sharing can establish lasting relationships.

Please know that you need to do this in your own time, there’s no rush or rewards for speed. It might take awhile to have the energy or desire to expand your social life. It is important that you mourn your loss at your own pace; it is your grief to mourn in your own way and you will know when the time is right.

Compiled by Carole McLeod,Grief Matters–from article in Hospice Newsletter Foundation of America. Written by Kenneth J. Doka

What Not to Say to a Grieving Person

Please do not say: “I know how you feel”.
That’s probably the worst thing you can say, as you have not walked in their shoes. Everyone grieves in their unique way. No on knows how another person feels.

Don’t say: “It’s a blessing; he/she is out of pain”.
The griever misses their loved one, common sense does not help.

Don’t say: “Time will heal”.
Time alone does not heal…it takes the work of mourning.

Don’t say: “He/She had a good long life…
Again, this does not comfort the griever; they would still want them back.

Don’t say: “It will take two or three months to get over your grief”.
There is no timetable for grief, do not put limits on their grief.

Don’t say: “Your loved one wouldn’t want you to be so upset”.
With this statement you are telling them not to grieve, cry, etc.

Don’t say: “God needed him/her in heaven, or its God’s will”
These statements assume that we know God’s will and what he wants. We don’t have those kinds of answers.

If you are helping with a grieving parent:

Don’t say: “You still have other children”. OR “you can try again, you’re young”
This minimizes their grief, makes it less important, as if the baby or child really didn’t matter and can be replaced easily.

If you are helping with a young widow:

Don” say: “You can always get married again.
While the person may or may not have a relationship in the future they won’t replace the person that died.

Some questions that children might ask:

“What happens to the person when they die?”
The body stops working

“Are they asleep?”
No, dying is not like sleeping, we are still alive when we sleep.

“Where are Grandpa’s legs?”
There two lids to the casket, the first one opens so that we can see the top half of Grandpa. The second lid is to place flowers; flag on the casket…that lid is covering Grandpa.

“Why is he so cold?”
Because his heart no longer pumps the blood through his body

“How did he get in there?” (the casket)
The funeral director lifted him gently and placed him there.

“How did you put his clothes on?”
Just like your Mom dress you or your sister or brother.

“Is dirt going to get in the casket:”
No, the casket is closed tight and is placed in another box called a vault.

“How deep do they bury it?”
Deep as a man is tall…about six feet.

“Isn’t it gross to be around a dead body?”
No, the body without life is no different than a puppet without your hand or a home where no one lives anymore.

Please Be Gentle

Please be gentle with me, for I am grieving
The sea I swim in is a lonely one, and the
shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul as I
struggle through each day.

My heart is heavy with sorrow. I want to
shout and scream and repeatedly ask
“Why?” At times, my grief overwhelms
me, and I weep bitterly, so great is my loss.

Please don’t turn away or tell me to move
on with my life. I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through my tears and sit
with me in loving silence. Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.

Listen patiently to my story, I may need to
tell it over and over again. It’s how I begin
to grasp the enormity of my loss. Nurture
me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and
inconsolable. A small flame still burns
within my heart, and shared memories may
trigger both laughter and tears. I need
your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve
I must find my own path.

Please will you walk beside me?

The Practical Side of Grief

As you travel through your grief journey you will find that in addition to other feelings and emotions, fear and anxiety may be a constant part of your grieving experience. Even the simple things in life can be frightening. Your belief system can be challenged. Simply eating and sleeping can be different and you can feel vulnerable, and wonder how everything can change in a brief period of time.

It is not uncommon to experience a fear of the future. You may have one or more of these thoughts:

• “Am I going to be OK, will I survive?”
• “Will our family be able to cope?”
• “Will my life ever be normal again?”
• “Am I grieving too little or too much?”
• “What if other family members die?”
• “Will I have this anger and anxiety for the rest of my life?”

As in any of the other emotion you are experiencing, fear may play a small role in your grief journey or it may become a large part of it. Face fear, recognize it, and identify what you are fearful of — then express it by talking about it to your support person. This should be someone you can trust, who is a good listener and is not judgmental. Journaling may be helpful. List the things that are bothering you and why. Try to take action on the fears you can control and identify the fears out of your control. To cope with fears you can’t control, consider turning to your faith; doing breathing exercises; or consulting the resources that have helped you in the past. Don’t be embarrassed or avoid these emotions.

If you have a fear of being alone, keep a routine and try to reduce your stress. Keeping as organized as possible can be helpful. This includes establishing a flexible schedule with a consistent bed and wakeup time. Something as simple as showering or bathing the same time of day and planning what you will wear, can create much-needed structure when life seems out of control. Other important stress-reducing habits include:

• Keeping your car, home, and office keys in the same place so you don’t stress out if you can’t find them
• Making a separate set of keys for emergencies
• Ladies, keep your purse in the same place at home or at work
• Gentlemen, keep your wallet, money clip, etc. in the same place
• Have the police or sheriff’s office give your home a security check; then fix whatever they have recommended.
• Lock your doors and secure your home the same way each day. This may include turning on the lights that you want to leave on, and pulling the shades down. Make sure you start at the same place every night so that you don’t doubt yourself, and wonder —  “did I lock the back door?” Otherwise, you may find yourself getting out of bed again and again just to check yourself.
• Do the same thing when you leave the house — put whatever you have to take with you (mail, list, dry cleaning, etc.) near the door so you can pick it up and take it with you when you lock the door.

If you have financial fear, don’t make any big decisions for at least a year. This includes making financial changes such as selling your home, moving or down sizing your home, or changing your job unless it is monetarily necessary. You may also want to consider:

• Creating a file and calendar for “bills to be paid”. Keeping your checkbook in the same place (desk, drawer, file or purse) and file your financial papers, deeds, insurance, will, and other important papers as soon as possible; this will enable you to be more organized.
• Making a list of what needs to be done with paperwork, such as filing for VA benefits, Social Security, pensions, and insurance.
• As soon as you feel up to it, contact an attorney to organize those important personal papers: a new will (if necessary), durable POA, Living Will, Health Care Surrogate, and check the named beneficiary on insurance policies including life, auto, and home policies to make sure the person you want as beneficiary is on those papers.

You may also find it helpful to:

• Start making a list of all the things you need or want to accomplish such as thank you notes; paper work for benefits; taking care of personal affects and any other responsibilities. Let the first list be a master list, then make smaller daily lists that you need to do that week or that day.
• Don’t try to do everything at once. It can be too overwhelming and you might find yourself going in circles and feeling hopeless.
• Go slow. Be patient and honest with yourself. Do not let all of these responsibilities and emotions control your life. You need to reclaim your sense of security.

All of these suggestions empower you to cope with the feelings and emotions that are a part of your grief journey while reducing a great deal of stress and physical danger. There is only one person who can take care of you better than anyone and that’s you.

You honor your loved one’s life by continuing the task of taking care of yourself and the family responsibilities.

Fine

When you are asked “how do you feel?” most of the time you will answer “fine”. Why, no matter the circumstances, do you give this answer? You could be feeling dreadful, totally happy, or very ill at the time. Do you think it’s easier to give a short answer? If the person inquiring about you is satisfied with this answer then you won’t have to talk about your feelings or explain why you are having any particular feelings.

When someone dies you might believe you should not “feel good”. But it is really just the opposite because if you don’t go through a healthy grief process and mourn your loss and work through the feelings that make you feel bad then they can become habitual and drag you down. Your life can’t be as positive, productive and meaningful without acknowledging those feeling that come with your grief.

Feelings are triggered by your thoughts. It is impossible to think a good thought and feel a bad thought at the same time. Feelings are your body’s way of communicating. When grieving you may feel sad, lonely, shocked, numb, angry, guilty, anxious, fearful, empty, depressed, insecure, or nervous just to mention a few. Please keep in mind that you might not have all of these feelings. Everyone’s grief is unique and you own your own grief and mourn your own way.

While mourning the death you must experience it, express it, and externalized your feelings “outside yourself”. Validation of your feelings is very important. Therefore you must share and talk, find a good support person who is non-judgmental and a good listener.

If you find talking to someone is difficult, writing is a good way to express yourself. You might keep a journal, grief diary or just write a word or two about how you feel. Remember to put the date you are writing so that you can go back and review how you felt in the past and how you are feeling in the present. Keep in mind that life as you knew it has completely changed and you have the right to feel loss and sadness. By doing the work of mourning you will empower yourself to heal.

                                                                        Compiled by

                                                               Carole McLeod, President
Grief Matters

The Uniqueness of Grief

Giving yourself permission to mourn can be very difficult. It is important to grieve in your own way. You can’t go around it, under it or over it. You must go through it. The important thing is to mourn at your own pace, taking one small step at a time. There are no rewards for speed. The uniqueness of your grief can depend on ten areas of your life:

1. Relationship with the Person Who Died –

The depth of the relationship is a factor in your journey. For instance, a wife would grieve in a different way for her husband then her children would grieve their father.

2. Circumstances Surrounding the Death – Examples include whether the death was sudden or caused by a terminal illness. The grief process may begin when learning about a terminal disease causing you to grieve the losses on a daily basis as you become the caregiver. Grief becomes anticipatory. A sudden death doesn’t allow time to prepare emotionally and often you experience prolonged shock and numbness.

 

3. Your Support System – Do you have support from family and friends? Ask them to listen and withhold judgment, so you are comfortable talking to them.   

 

4. Your Personality – If you have an expressive personality, you may be more inclined to communicate your grief to others than if you have a reserved personality.

 

5. Personality of the Person Who Died – Did your loved one easily communicate? Did they have a soothing, stabilizing influence within the family or were they difficult and perhaps not close to the family? These factors can make a tremendous difference to how you grieve.

6. Cultural Background – Culture can add yet another hue to the prism of your grief.

7. Religious or Spiritual Beliefs – Studies show religious or spiritual beliefs can be a comfort during the loss of a loved one.

8. Stress or a Crisis – Other events happening while you are grieving, i.e. loss of job, divorce, financial worries, etc. will impact how you grieve.

 

9. Gender – Men and women grieve differently. Remember, this doesn’t make your grief right or wrong — it’s your way of dealing with loss.

 

10. Ritual of a Funeral Experience – Was there a memorial, church, gathering, or other ritual for your loved one? These activities can either help or hinder your grief experience.

 

Remember to mourn well so that you live well and love well as you move into your new life.

 

This article is compiled from the book “Understanding Your Grief” by Alan D.Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Abraham Lincoln’s Wisdom

In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all…..

It comes with bitterest agony…..

Perfect relief is not possible, except with time…

You cannot now realize…

That you will ever feel better….

And yet this is a mistake.

You are sure to be happy again,

To know this, which is certainly true,

Will make you some less miserable now.

I have had experience enough…                         

To know what I say”   Abraham Lincoln

Preserving the Love and Memories

Do you have a relationship with your loved ones after they die?

We have been given two precious gifts that will help you through your grief journey. The first one is love. The love you had for your loved one will never leave you. Whatever the relationship was, spouse, child, parents, siblings or friends, the love will always be in your heart. At the beginning of your grief journey it may be very difficult to think about the love that was between the two of you because it might be too painful to remember. But as you move through your grief journey it will become less painful and more comfortable for you.

The second gift is memory. You will never forget them. One of the myths of grieving is that you should become detached from the person you love. That over time the memories will fade and the love is removed from your life. This is definitely a myth.

The reality is very different. You will never lose the connection of love and memory with the person who has died.  In a healthy grief journey, you become reconciled to the death which means “learning to live without their physical presence”. The connection is no longer physical, but it remains strong.

Embracing your memories can be a very slow and, at times, a painful process that occurs in small steps. Don’t try to do this work of mourning all at once. Take baby steps on your journey and be patient with yourself.

Memories that help you stay connected can include legacies that the person left through his/her values or life’s work. Or they may be objects such as wedding rings, favorite books, pictures, slippers, etc. Give yourself permission to retain some special keepsakes that belong to him or her. Who we are is in part an enduring connection.

There can be rituals or events that you can use to keep connected. Though they can be painful at the beginning of your grief journey, celebrating holidays, and special days (birthdays, anniversaries, and certain times that are special to family’s members’ individually) can be comforting.

                         

For special days and holidays you might consider:

• Visiting places of special significance that bring you memories of good times shared together
• Decorating their grave or special place where the cremated ashes are
• Buying a birthday cake on their birthday — don’t forget to sing Happy Birthday to them or
• Buying a greeting card where the words are meaningful to you and place it somewhere that is meaningful to you such as by their picture, or in the living room where every one can remember them
• Going to dinner at their favorite places or cooking their favorite meal
• Celebrating special days at your church — ask to have a special prayer, light a candle or donating flowers for the service

One of the best ways to embrace memories is through creating a memory book of your loved one’s life or a record of family history to have for your children, their children and continued with future generations.

Also keeping the memories on a DVD or CD. Today’s technology enables you to digitize old pictures for safe keeping. The big job is sorting out all the pictures taken over a life time. Keep in mind that not only is this memory keeping a part of the family legacy but it is also an aid to our mourning the death of our loved one.

Memory videos that share telling stories are not only a way of remembering the family members who have died, but a great way to spend time with your children and grandchildren. When organizing these videos, have the stories ready and have each person who wants to participate ready to tell their favorite story about the person who has died. It could be the funniest holiday story of that loved one; the birthday parties; Halloween customs; Easter Egg hunts; going fishing stories etc.

Remember it is so important to preserve the memories and that in turn will keep the love in your heart for that special loved one.

Without memory you would not have to endure the unbearable agony of their death. But without memory, you would not be able to recall the beauty and goodness, and the wondrous gift of love that was and still is yours.

Nothing that is loved is ever lost, and no one who has ever touched a heart can really pass away, because some beauty lingers on in each memory of which they’ve been a part.

Anger is Like Rust — It Destroys the Container!

Grief comes with many different emotions and feelings. These include feeling sad; alone; anxious; insecure; stunned; disorganized; depressed; overwhelmed and yes — anger. It is natural that one of your responses to grief can be the more explosive emotion of anger.

Anger can be your way of PROTESTING the fact that death has taken away your loved one. Anger can be a good and valuable resource. It dose not have to be logical. Anger is a motivator because it is a strong, internal agitation that impels us to deal with obstacles or situations. It prompts you to do something about it.

The direction in which your anger is focused will vary depending on your situation. Anger needs a target.
You can be angry at:

• God
• The unfairness of the world
• Yourself
• Your spouse or even the loved one who died
• The medical profession

It is also not uncommon to experience anger because of all the things still left undone which may never be completed without your loved one; or because you may have suffered so much already; or because you may not have had the chance to say goodbye.

Anger must be experienced, expressed and externalized. You can refocus your anger by:

1. Recognizing you are angry.

Beware of the right to feel these emotions and the right to act out these emotions. Anger is never dealt with while it is being denied. You might find it hard to realize that anger is what you are feeling. Refocus begins when you say “Yes, I am angry, and I should be angry.”

Suppressed anger can become depression. Out of control anger can cause additional anger and can poison personal relationships. Keep telling yourself it’s OK to feel angry. Your feelings need to be nurtured not judged. They are not right or wrong. Be honest and patient with yourself. Let go of your anger. It is not worth the inner stress you may be feeling and not worth the resulting fractured relationships.

2. Understand your anger. Determine what prompted it? Is this behavior normal for you?

Understanding your anger gives you the opportunity to stop and decide how to respond to the situation in an appropriate way. Don’t buy into avoidance messages such as “Anger won’t bring them back” or “forget about it, move on”.

3. Journal: One of the best ways to release and understand your anger is to write about it. You can release anger by placing it on paper instead of the suppressing it and letting it simmer. Writing makes it real to you. It is a great way for you to learn and express your feelings.

4. If your anger is focused on a family member or friend, you need to consider how it will affect your relationship and how will it affect the rest of the family. It is important to keep the lines of communication open with family members. They can’t offer the support you need if they are not clear about how you are feeling.

5. Find a good support person to talk to about your feelings. Your support person needs to be non-judgmental, a good listener and one who will validate your feelings.

Remember:

• Anger does not have to be logical. Thinking is logical, feelings are not.

• There are two ways to deal with your feelings of anger: inwardly and outwardly

• Outward expression leads to healing (as you need to mourn them)

• Inward expression leads to more emotions, and physical problems and can be a roadblock along your grief journey. You won’t be able to successfully travel the journey to healing if you don’t express your anger.

• Angry thoughts are not bad. They’re only bad when you don’t talk about them or when they hurt someone.

Some parts of this article                                                        Compiled by

taken from “Understanding Your Grief”                                Carole McLeod,

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D                                                       Bereavement Facilitator

                                                                                                Grief Matters, LLC

Your Head Knows What Your Heart Doesn’t

Your brain understands the reality of death. It reminds you that you are indeed still here, while your loved one is not. Your brain gives you the ability to understand the logical aspects of death, and it helps you to move forward as you continue living your life.

However, the heart has no brain cells. The heart feels the absence of someone loved. The heart remembers love shared, dreams unfulfilled and words unspoken. The heart yearns for what the brain knows to be impossible. With every significant injury, whether physical, emotional or spiritual, healing requires time, usually more time than you ever imagined.

If you’ve ever experienced a medical surgical procedure, you know that the pain is very real even if the scar can’t be seen. You may become protective of the part of your body that bears the scar, because if that tender part is bumped or nudged the pain can begin anew. Even when your body is completely healed, the scar lingers and may become sort of a badge of courage — reminding you of what you have lived through — reinforcing that you are not the same person you were before the surgery.

Your heart is no different. Grief is an emotional surgery and you will grieve the way you loved. You may appear fine on the outside, but the pain of death is alive inside. Yes, the pain does lessen and heart heals but a scar remains. Your scar can be bumped in many ways: births; weddings; graduations and special days- the times when the absence of your loved one may be felt strongly.

Certain scents can “bump” your scar and remind you of your loss. Music can nudge your scar, especially when you hear your loved one’s favorite song or a hymn. An unrelated death can open your original scar and produce pain. The triggers that nudge or bumps will be unique to you, and aren’t necessarily bad. Yes, you shed tears, miss and yearn for your loved one but it is important for you to remember.

Remembering will give you new hope. Memories can be held close in your heart and no one or nothing can take them away. Love does not die, people do, and so you can move on into your grief journey, take the bumps and bouts of grief and keep the love and memories of your loved one in your heart forever.

Author Unknown-Compiled by Carole McLeod, Certified Bereavement Facilitator