Anger is Like Rust — It Destroys the Container!

Grief comes with many different emotions and feelings. These include feeling sad; alone; anxious; insecure; stunned; disorganized; depressed; overwhelmed and yes — anger. It is natural that one of your responses to grief can be the more explosive emotion of anger.

Anger can be your way of PROTESTING the fact that death has taken away your loved one. Anger can be a good and valuable resource. It dose not have to be logical. Anger is a motivator because it is a strong, internal agitation that impels us to deal with obstacles or situations. It prompts you to do something about it.

The direction in which your anger is focused will vary depending on your situation. Anger needs a target.
You can be angry at:

• God
• The unfairness of the world
• Yourself
• Your spouse or even the loved one who died
• The medical profession

It is also not uncommon to experience anger because of all the things still left undone which may never be completed without your loved one; or because you may have suffered so much already; or because you may not have had the chance to say goodbye.

Anger must be experienced, expressed and externalized. You can refocus your anger by:

1. Recognizing you are angry.

Beware of the right to feel these emotions and the right to act out these emotions. Anger is never dealt with while it is being denied. You might find it hard to realize that anger is what you are feeling. Refocus begins when you say “Yes, I am angry, and I should be angry.”

Suppressed anger can become depression. Out of control anger can cause additional anger and can poison personal relationships. Keep telling yourself it’s OK to feel angry. Your feelings need to be nurtured not judged. They are not right or wrong. Be honest and patient with yourself. Let go of your anger. It is not worth the inner stress you may be feeling and not worth the resulting fractured relationships.

2. Understand your anger. Determine what prompted it? Is this behavior normal for you?

Understanding your anger gives you the opportunity to stop and decide how to respond to the situation in an appropriate way. Don’t buy into avoidance messages such as “Anger won’t bring them back” or “forget about it, move on”.

3. Journal: One of the best ways to release and understand your anger is to write about it. You can release anger by placing it on paper instead of the suppressing it and letting it simmer. Writing makes it real to you. It is a great way for you to learn and express your feelings.

4. If your anger is focused on a family member or friend, you need to consider how it will affect your relationship and how will it affect the rest of the family. It is important to keep the lines of communication open with family members. They can’t offer the support you need if they are not clear about how you are feeling.

5. Find a good support person to talk to about your feelings. Your support person needs to be non-judgmental, a good listener and one who will validate your feelings.

Remember:

• Anger does not have to be logical. Thinking is logical, feelings are not.

• There are two ways to deal with your feelings of anger: inwardly and outwardly

• Outward expression leads to healing (as you need to mourn them)

• Inward expression leads to more emotions, and physical problems and can be a roadblock along your grief journey. You won’t be able to successfully travel the journey to healing if you don’t express your anger.

• Angry thoughts are not bad. They’re only bad when you don’t talk about them or when they hurt someone.

Some parts of this article                                                        Compiled by

taken from “Understanding Your Grief”                                Carole McLeod,

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D                                                       Bereavement Facilitator

                                                                                                Grief Matters, LLC