The Uniqueness of Grief

Giving yourself permission to mourn can be very difficult. It is important to grieve in your own way. You can’t go around it, under it or over it. You must go through it. The important thing is to mourn at your own pace, taking one small step at a time. There are no rewards for speed. The uniqueness of your grief can depend on ten areas of your life:

1. Relationship with the Person Who Died –

The depth of the relationship is a factor in your journey. For instance, a wife would grieve in a different way for her husband then her children would grieve their father.

2. Circumstances Surrounding the Death – Examples include whether the death was sudden or caused by a terminal illness. The grief process may begin when learning about a terminal disease causing you to grieve the losses on a daily basis as you become the caregiver. Grief becomes anticipatory. A sudden death doesn’t allow time to prepare emotionally and often you experience prolonged shock and numbness.

 

3. Your Support System – Do you have support from family and friends? Ask them to listen and withhold judgment, so you are comfortable talking to them.   

 

4. Your Personality – If you have an expressive personality, you may be more inclined to communicate your grief to others than if you have a reserved personality.

 

5. Personality of the Person Who Died – Did your loved one easily communicate? Did they have a soothing, stabilizing influence within the family or were they difficult and perhaps not close to the family? These factors can make a tremendous difference to how you grieve.

6. Cultural Background – Culture can add yet another hue to the prism of your grief.

7. Religious or Spiritual Beliefs – Studies show religious or spiritual beliefs can be a comfort during the loss of a loved one.

8. Stress or a Crisis – Other events happening while you are grieving, i.e. loss of job, divorce, financial worries, etc. will impact how you grieve.

 

9. Gender – Men and women grieve differently. Remember, this doesn’t make your grief right or wrong — it’s your way of dealing with loss.

 

10. Ritual of a Funeral Experience – Was there a memorial, church, gathering, or other ritual for your loved one? These activities can either help or hinder your grief experience.

 

Remember to mourn well so that you live well and love well as you move into your new life.

 

This article is compiled from the book “Understanding Your Grief” by Alan D.Wolfelt, Ph.D.