Many times in our grief journey the emotional, spiritual, and physical aspects of our grief over-ride the social side of our grief. After the death of a loved one it takes some time for us to even consider being social again. Our circle of friends, neighbors, church members, co-workers has changed. Sometimes it is very difficult to imagine going out to dinner, church, theatre, sporting events or anything else. We can be afraid of crying in public, feel like the “fifth wheel” if we accept a dinner invitation with other couples, or we just don’t have the energy to accept invitations and get ourselves ready; even going to places that you and your loved one use to go can be overwhelming and bring lots of sadness. Sometimes going back to church can be very painful when we hear our loved one’s favorite hymns or sitting where as a family you always sat in the same space. There are many reasons that these relationships may change.
Others can also be uncomfortable around us; not knowing what to say; worrying that they will say the wrong thing or make you cry. They may be afraid to mention the deceased name or share their memories about good times they use to have before the death.
To handle these changes you must become acquainted with how you feel; know that these feelings of loneliness and being afraid to be social are all a part of your grief journey. Other social difficulties might be experienced also; they are: restlessness or inability to sit still, lack of concentration and organization, lack of ability to initiate activities, and loss of self-confidence. You must know what your needs are, what invitations do you want to accept, can you return to the places that you use to go with your love one and be able to cope with the memories.
Some self –care suggestions: decide what you WANT to do and what you CAN do; be honest with yourself. Be careful you do not find yourself in a meaningless social whirl just to keep busy, afraid to feel the emotions that are a part of your grief journey. If you want to accept an invitation to be with family and friends help them feel comfortable with your mourning by telling them that “it’s OK to talk about my loved one; and I would love for you to say his/her name. I enjoy hearing it and would like to talk about your memories of them”. Also, find a dependable support person that you can talk to. Someone who is non-judgmental, one that won’t tell you what you are doing right or wrong and a person who will listen, listen and listen some more so that you can share your feelings and emotions when you need to.
There are also other sources of support that you might consider: a bereavement support group can introduce you to others who have had the death of a loved one and they are mourning also. By sharing your story and grief experiences not only offers support but might help you establish new friendships. Church groups, civic organizations, social clubs can offer additional chances to spend time meeting new people that might have a similar situation and through sharing can establish lasting relationships.
Please know that you need to do this in your own time, there’s no rush or rewards for speed. It might take awhile to have the energy or desire to expand your social life. It is important that you mourn your loss at your own pace; it is your grief to mourn in your own way and you will know when the time is right.
Compiled by Carole McLeod,Grief Matters–from article in Hospice Newsletter Foundation of America. Written by Kenneth J. Doka
Good Mourning with Carole 